I’ve seen many weirdos in my long life, but there was no one like the Stockman. He was one of his kind.

He usually went out for running. However, the days he chose for practising some exercise where not selected randomly. He was only seen when the stock market went up. Otherwise, nobody saw him. Not running, nor walking.

The speed of his running depended on how much the stock market went up. If the market was extremely high, he ran as though he was facing the last steps of a half marathon. If the market went up very softly, he would run really slow, almost walking.

Many of his neighbours who usually bought the newspaper to check the stock market’s values, began to just look at Stockman and his performances. The newspaper was of no-use for them anymore.

Unfortunately, this heroes of the market don’t usually last too long in town. One day, the market figures increased so much that Stockman ran as much as he could. But he never came back. He must’ve forgotten. Or maybe he went so far away that he forgot the way home. A week after his disappearance, everyone was buying the newspaper as they used to do.

Perhaps you’re wondering how I was able to link the stock market with this man. Because, that could’ve been difficult to discern… The answer is quite simple though. I’m also a weirdo.


Gustavo, the Dog

No dog was found like Gustavo. He was one of his kind. It was the dog with the most outstanding appreciation face that the any human being have ever seen in the history.

He was exceptionally careful, awfully polite, remarkably thoughtful and unusually courteous. It was one of those dogs who didn’t need glasses or a suit to look more intellectual. His owner was a middle age man who spent his life reading the newspaper. Gustavo read it too. He was really sensitive about the news in the Middle East.

One of the things he loved the most was staring at butterflies. That was his favourite sport by far. He was a dog of glimpses. It was needless for him to say anything, because his eyes told it all.

A funny day, his owner had an issue in the kitchen. That issue turned into a fire. Gustavo was witnessing the scene. He saw how his owner was running everywhere in order to put an end to the fire. He could have barked to ask for the neighbours’ help. He could have grabbed his master to pull him out of the house. He could have done many things, but he did none of them. He was smarter than that. He remained where he was. Staring at his owner from the distance. Because the bastard dog knew that if he got closer, he could burn. I hope he had learnt a lot from staring things and doing nothing. It was the most indifferent, passive, uninterested, cold, emotionless, insensible, languid dog I’ve ever had. At least he must have had fun watching the scene. Perhaps he’s now laughing with his friends the butterflies about the situation and yes, I’m being sarcastic! And yes, I’m his owner!

The Walks of David: Mumblehood

After a long morning at work, David decided to spend a different afternoon. He went out for a walk.

As he walked, his thoughts were getting more clear than before going out to the street. Also, he was enjoying how people moved from one place to another, how the town was working. He could hear shoutings, whispers and ordinary conversations. He was loving to be a witness of all that activity. David was having fun. When he checked his clock he realised he had been walking for an hour and he was about to enter in a different town. A town he was never in. But he had time, so he decided to continue his little journey.

The new town was quite similar to the one he was living in, and so was the people. However, as he was moving forward, he witnessed that some people were mumbling something to themselves. And the more he walked, the more mumbling people appeared, until he reached a point where everyone surrounding him was mumbling. He was not scared. Let’s say he was surprised. So surprised he was that he faced one of these mumblers to ask for the time. He had a clock, but he asked him anyway to know if they had some kind of mental problem.Read more…

“Excuse me sir, what time is it?” David asked decidedly. The “sir” looked at him, up and down, with a face of disgust. Then the “sir” followed his path while he continued with the mumblings, without paying attention to the formulated question.

David tried to talk with more people, but the result would be no different. And yes, he was scared now. He walked straight again and as fast as he could, but making a big effort in not attracting the attention of the mumblers. He was really frightened. And in a moment of lucidity he noticed he was mumbling too. Although he did not know what exactly he was mumbling about. Then, with the mumble came relieve. No signs of frightening were left. He was feeling much better. The feeling was so great that he approached a middle-aged man to talk to him. He mumbled something and the middle-aged man mumbled him back and they waved goodbye. He made it natural, like it was a daily thing, to mumble with another person without saying anything, not a word.

For some organic reason, David, the happy walker (and now mumbler also), entered in a bakery shop and bought a loaf of bread. He asked for the loaf and payed for it by mumbling. Only mumbling. Which looked to be the official language of the town. After that, he continued his walk. David was really happy.

After twenty more minutes of walking and bread eating, he asked a lady about something (mumbling stuff). The lady looked at him like he was mad and she run away from him. He also struggled to maintain a mumbling conversation with some guys but they also looked at him like he was crazy and did not answer any of his mumblings. He saw how all people he was crossing in the street were looking at him for some reason he unknown yet.

David stopped his walk for a second, in order to think about the situations he had just lived. It was then, when he figured out that all the people around him were speaking with words, instead of mumbling. He got completely embarrassed when he noted it. He could not believe he had been mumbling the whole time. Some part of him knew he was mumbling, but the other did not want to recognise it. He also noted he was in his town and around five minutes away from the street where he lived. He leaded his steps to that place, home. “Too much walking this time,” he mumbled.

Toilet Wars

There’s no power that can beat the dark side of any toilet. Specially, if we talk about the dark side of THE toilet. It was in one of those times when you find yourself in a cool restaurant and a visit to the toilet is needed. The mistake started just there.

I was unconscious of the danger I was about to face. In fact, I was happy, because I was intended to do something in that toilet that I really needed to do. And of course, I would be able to do it, but it wouldn’t be as easy as I could’ve thought at first. The toilet had been preparing me an ambush, an ambush I wasn’t ready to deal with.

As I entered into the toilet, the lights came up by themselves. I supposed the reason for this had been the installation of a motion sensor, which allowed the lights to be on or off whether movement was detected or not. I thought how cool that was. But what could I hope? I was in a cool restaurant! I should’ve guessed it.

I decided to approach to one of those toilets that you have to stand up to “work on the thing”. The “work” I was doing was a long one (I had been containing me and drinking at the same time, for a couple of hours). It was so long the the motion sensor didn’t perceive me anymore and hence, the lights went out. I was trapped in that moment. I tried to move one leg and one hand in order to turn on the lights again. As it wasn’t enough to turn them on, I got crazy and I moved two hands and one leg (the only thing that kept me apart from moving both legs was falling down). Next, I shook my hips in a way that Shakira herself would envy. Even I took out a dove from a hat I hadn’t noticed I was wearing and send the dove to fly away. But nothing worked. Or almost nothing…

One of the things I was more afraid of, was that someone came into the toilet and saw me pissing in the dark. And it happened. A middle-aged male opened the door and the lights came up again. He saw how everything was dark when he opened the door. And when it was illuminated, he saw me. Pissing…

I’ve entered several times in the ladies room (certainly unintentionally). However, it was a quite much embarrassed experience, the one I lived in this “cool” restaurant, in “THE Toilet”. It left me a scar that I will have to carry with me forever.


The Princess of Darkness

Clara had always wanted to be poor and regular. She wished to have those kind of lives in which you almost have to beg for money in order to survive. She didn’t know how to achieve it, but she knew she would. She was completely certain. She had made a promise about it. Hence, she decided to study a university degree to perhaps become an unemployed person or who knows, maybe a waitress.

At first, she thought it would be quite difficult to achieve such a goal. However, as things were going, it turned out to be quite easy. One of the main reasons why it was so simple was due to the social support she received every day. All the people she knew wanted her to achieve the goal of living like a rat.

After some years of hard work at the university, she was thrown into the Working World. The Working World is a World which belongs to the Dagobah system, where the Jedi master Yoda was found dead. It is completely covered by a grounded fog. The life in this World is inadvisable, as it is inhabited by many dangerous monsters who feed on young flesh. These monsters range from werewolves, zombies, mummies, vampires, witches, sorceresses and many more despicable creatures. It was a World of misery, dust, and a nauseating smell. It was exactly what Clara expected to be. And she dreamed to be a monster like them in a near future.

Clara was called to work in a clothing store, after two years of unemployment. While she was not working, she had a lot of fun, as there is nothing better than feeling useless and dysfunctional. Although when she was called to work, she couldn’t avoid to show interest in the job.

The first day of work, Nara, who was the broomless witch on charge of the store, showed her everything she didn’t need to know about her work as well as nothing about what she needed to know. “I’m living a dream” Clara thought to herself. She was unable to avoid her smile to be exposed in front of her boss due to her paramount happiness.

Later, she would meet Patrick the vampire and the mummy Silvia. They were great companions. Plus, they love to yell and complain at everyone, and complaining was one of Clara’s favourite activities she had learnt at the university. They complained about the weather, the costumers, their boss, and about each other. It was a great experience for Clara.

Once she reached two years in the clothing store, she was almost one of them. Clara had finally achieved her goal. Now, she was another monster from the Working World (Dagobah system). In fact, she already had a tiny tale growing from her behind. According to her work mates, that could only mean she was a devil, or as Clara’s mother rather called her, the princess of darkness.